Health shaming. Have you heard of it? When someone chooses to make healthy choices, could they actually feel ashamed, belittled or even embarrassed? It may be hard to fathom that doing something “good” could cause someone to feel “bad”, but this social-psychological phenomenon is worth thinking about. By knowing about, you will find more power in the conviction and motivation about your healthy lifestyle choices.
In a 2013 blog, bestselling author and research professor at the University of Houston , Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” So when you order a grilled chicken salad without cheese or croutons, dressing on the side and someone else at the table says, “How can you eat like that? You are making us all look bad”. If your face turns red and you feel like you need to apologize to the waiter, you have been shamed for making a healthy choice. Even if you did not know the term ‘health shaming’ perhaps now you see that you have experienced it.
And not surprisingly, pain and feelings of unworthiness can sometimes lead to the inability to control unwanted behavior. Could this be why the ice cream in the freezer starts calling your name later that night? why your resolve and determination waver after family get-togethers? why the birthday cake, Christmas cookies and Cadbury eggs seem to have such a powerful hold after weeks or even months of staying on track?
Even if you didn’t know it by this trending phrase, if you are serious about your health, chances are you have experienced health shaming to one degree or another. Whether your focus is on making healthy choices, lifestyle changes, or are generally trying to pay more attention to your health with the goal to simply to feel better, you may come against some challengers. Instead of trying to debate your critics, let’s shift any health shaming experience into an opportunity to excel. By turning what could be a negative experience into an inside growth opportunity, you can expand your convictions and propel yourself towards your goals.
- You get to choose your feelings about the comments of others. Yes, it is frustrating when you are making healthy choices and the people in your life – even sometimes the people that you love – make sarcastic or even negative comments about your choices. Take a minute to ask yourself how important the person making the comments is to you.
- It can be sad when taking care of yourself with healthy foods and regular exercise is not the norm among the people in your life. It can feel lonely to be ‘out there’ making choices that are different. But take heart! Your actions are sending a powerful message to those around you. Their sarcasm and critical comments are likely a psychological defense that is easier to employ than looking at their own unhealthy habits. The choices you make will add up over time giving you and a healthy glow and vibrant energy that you didn’t have before. Then the need to comment about your choices will fade. And if not…
- It may be time to re-evaluate some of your relationships. Very often people show you who they are through their words. Let your level of involvement determine the energy you are willing to put into confronting the agitator. Is it time to have a candid conversation with your mom. Gently explaining that you are not rejecting her if you choose not to have a piece of the pie she made can go a long way to setting yourself up for success at family gatherings. If the relationship is more distant – say with a friend or a co-worker with whom you have joined for lunch a couple times – politely declining subsequent lunch invitations is reasonable under the guise of self-protection. You can use undesirable lunch invitations as incentives to pack a healthy lunch. “Thank you but I brought my lunch today” is an authentic reason that keeps you on track and at a safe distance from someone else’s insecurities.
- Consider how long you have been in the health and fitness game. The comments of others have different power depending on how long you have been making serious changes. The longer you have been making healthy choices, the higher your level of confidence. When you first start eating healthy foods and working out regularly, the contrast will catch people’s attention. It is much easier to doubt your ability to change, and therefore you are likely to feel vulnerable to the opinion of others. Hang in there. Hearing terms like “health food nut” or “fitness phanatic” get easier the longer you are at it. People in your world will grow accustomed to the way you order at a restaurant or the type of foods you bring in your lunch, so the novelty of a ‘funny’ comment will wear off. If not, the longer you stick to your convictions the more confidence you will have to either ignore or retort with something astute like, “I feel great! Thank you for noticing my healthy routine.”
- Stay aware of your feelings, and really look at why someone else is shaming you about your healthy choices. Instead of internalizing those feelings, use the comment of others to step back and get a broader perspective about why you are choosing health. Why are you eating differently than they are and moving more? If your goal is to please others and you are bothered by the suggestion that you are causing waves, then maybe it is a good time to reassess. Any life decision based on a need for acceptance and inclusion will be your Achilles Heel to self-sabotage.
- It is uncomfortable to step away from the crowd, but discovering your own internal motivation for choosing to make your health a priority is an opportunity to grow. You get to decide what lines up with our values and supports your life. The changes you are making honor yourself, and you are well within your rights to commit to your health. Doing so allows you to thrive!
- What if the shift in your own health decisions starts to shift family traditions away from food and toward enjoying the time and love of your family? What if healthy recipes bring delicious, new traditions that not only create memories but also help create health? Instead of letting someone else shame you, choose to feel empowered. Lead by example. Let those who want to learn more and make changes in their own health inspire and motivate you to keep going.
- Find your tribe! If making healthy lifestyle choices is leaving you vulnerable to the comments of others, surround yourself with a new health tribe. By building new relationships with like-minded people you are less likely to feel vulnerable and alone. People who have similar health goals will be there to help you with the rogue comments of a few. Even if your health tribe isn’t in person, find health inspiring groups online and follow health experts that resonate with you on social media. Do you listen to Podcasts? Search for a few with health and wellness related topics. Listen and learn. You will be surprised about how filling your mind with information related to your goals gives you a healthy swag all day long. As you learn more about health-related topics, you will build your health-focused confidence.
At its essence, health shaming is bullying. Unfortunately, when you step out and do something different than some of those around you, it can make you a target. It is frustrating and sad but ultimately empowering if you choose for it to be.
By giving the behavior of health shaming a name, you get to decide. Are you going to let the comments of others have the power to dissuade you from your goals? Or are you going to challenge those comments with awareness and let them bring clarity to your healthy lifestyle journey?
